The Tale of Three Trucker Slobs


In the last 24 hours, I saw three different truckers do three things that disturbed me. That’s pretty bad, considering I spent about 23 hours and 50 minutes alone in my truck. Two of these things, I see all the time. The third I knew happened, but had never actually seen it with my own eyes. Now I’m wishing that I hadn’t. Be forewarned. This post isn’t pretty.

The first thing I saw was the most disturbing. Being the sweetie-pie that I am, I’ll save it for last. The second thing I saw was early this morning when I got up and ventured into the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I walked in, I noticed an extremely short, but stocky, older guy standing at the sink doing his morning ritual. I could tell right away that this guy was a slob.

Any driver will tell you that truck stop bathrooms are nasty. The sink countertop is always covered with water, excess soap, soggy paper towels, facial hair, you name it. Every trucker will act all grossed out about it too. So if everyone is so put out by it, who the heck is making all the mess? Well, for starters, my morning companion.

He was washing his face and hands, and water was going everywhere. And I don’t mean just on the countertop. I mean everywhere. It soaked the front of his shirt, the countertop, and it was even splashing onto the floor. If there hadn’t been an empty sink between us, I’m sure he would have gotten me wet too. He didn’t even bother to dry anything off, including himself. So there’s offense #1: Not cleaning up after yourself.

I was finishing up when Aqua Man finally left. As I was preparing to follow, a guy stepped out of a bathroom stall and walked out the door in front of me. And there’s offense #2. Whether you go #1 or #2, wash your freakin’ hands! I mean, you may be fine with touching your special parts, but when you don’t wash your hands, you put your funk all over everything you touch. So knock it off.

I will congratulate him on one thing though. He had been in there the whole time and I hadn’t noticed. For once, there wasn’t a gawd-awful stench and loud noises coming from the stall. He was as quiet as a church mouse wearing tiny, little moccasins.

Now, I’m not stupid… or so I keep telling myself. I know certain noises and scents coming from certain body parts can’t be helped. Still, it’s gross to have to hear it from someone other than yourself. Why God put us together that way is a mystery. I’m sure a lot of wives will be asking him that very question when they get through the pearly gates. Since St. Peter is a man, let’s hope for their sakes that there’s no farting in heaven.

The part that really bugs me are the noises that come out of the other end. I tell you, if you aren’t in severe pain caused by some rare gastrointestinal infection that you picked up in the Amazon, keep your grunts, groans, and heavy breathing to yourself. No one is interested in hearing it.

So, while I commend Mr. Allergic-To-Soap for doing his business so unobtrusively, I’m not about to shake the guy’s hand. And I certainly hope he wasn’t heading over to the deli to pick up some finger foods.

Now on to the last guy… or would that be the first guy? Yes, it’s the first guy… that I’m mentioning last. I met this guy the night before. I was catching up on Season 3 of Supernatural when my own super nature called. Rather than use the parking lot as my personal commode like so many truckers do, I ran into the bathroom. Another guy walked in right behind me.

Great, two urinals with no dividers. Who designs these freakin’ things anyway? So, we both step up to do our business. And that’s when the fun started. First, I need to say that I’m not a peeker. Most guys aren’t. We stare straight ahead and don’t say a word. That’s why there’s always an advertisement of some kind right there at eye level. Women, on the other hand… well, you ladies carry on conversations while you’re taking care of business. What’s up with that?

So back to my ordeal. As I’m staring straight ahead, I hear a sound. It’s a splashing sort of sound. From my peripheral vision, I can see that this guy is totally missing the urinal. Well, not totally, but I’d say that only half of the gold is making it to the pot. Why, you may ask? Because he’s got one hand on his hip and the other hand holding his shirt up over his belly. Furthermore, he does absolutely nothing to adjust his aim.

Now how do I react? I figure that I’ve got two choices: say something or don’t. My initial reaction was to say, “Can you not see that you’re pissing all over the floor?” No. Too confrontational. Not my style. Perhaps I could have been more witty by saying, “I hope you don’t have any career plans to be a sharpshooter.” But in the end, I went with silence and a step away from him. After all, if a guy can’t cover up his gut and put at least one hand on his junk, I doubt that anything I could say would make this guy go to a community college and enroll in Whizzing 101. As a grand finale, he grabbed hold and shook it like he was trying to strangle an anaconda. Which, of course, released more venom.

So there you have it. Like I said, I always knew that the wet stuff on the floor wasn’t water. I knew how it got there. I really think that knowing was enough. I didn’t really need to see it first hand. I do understand that no man hits his target every time, especially with that weird viper piss that strikes some mornings. The difference is, most guys adjust their aim.

There is a moral to this story. Truckers don’t get much respect; and from what I’ve seen over the last 13 years, I’m not surprised. It’s not just the bathroom issues that I’ve pointed out here. It’s the way we treat other people’s property. It’s the way we drive. It’s the way we talk on the CB. It’s the way we react when we’re disrespected.

Truckers one and all; listen up. It’s as easy as this. If you want respect, start being respectful. How the heck do you expect the outside world to respect us if we don’t respect each other first? You can start by always having one hand on the wheel… and other places.

*So what have you experience that totally grossed you out? Let us hear about it by leaving a comment. And if you feel dirty afterwards, by all means wash your hands. If you enjoyed this post, please pass it on to a friend or two. Thanks.*

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9 Responses to “The Tale of Three Trucker Slobs”

  1. helmetorheels Says:

    Oh my. That was a post! I can see why you want out of trucking. The bathrooms in most brick and mortar business buildings are clean. Here’s to you getting a degree and a job out of a truck!

    • Todd McCann Says:

      Amen to that! Although it looks like my college ambitions may have to be put on hold for a bit. Gotta get The Evil Overlord started first. Then we’ll see from there.

    • Todd McCann Says:

      And by the way, The Evil Overlord says that the women’s restrooms are just as bad. she says that the toilet seats are so nasty, that many women choose to “hover” rather than sit. Uh…yuck.

  2. Kevin McKague Says:

    I hear ya buddy. I once lost it and started yelling at a guy for relieving himself in the truck stop parking lot. I know I shouldn’t argue with strangers, but, as I pointed out to this guy, it was during the light of day, and he could clearly be seen by families in the gasoline side of the station. I also pointed out that he was no more than 20 yards away from an actual restroom inside of the building. I might have also insinuated that his large girth could benefit from the walk.

    What can I say, sometimes I suffer the fools better than other times.

    If I were king of the world or at least in charge of new building codes, this is what I would do to help alleviate at least one of our problems described above:

    Make all bathroom doors open out, so we don’t have to touch the doors handle just grasped by the slob who did his business and didn’t wash his hands afterwards.

    Of course, that doesn’t help with the coffee pot handles and the cooler door handles within the rest of the store. I keep hand sanitizer on me for that. Call me a germaphobe, I don’t care, but some of the stuff out there gives me the heeby-jeebies.

    • Todd McCann Says:

      Thanks for sharing that, Kevin. We all lose our cool sometimes and that guy certainly had it coming. Even Jesus lost his cool in the temple. Nothing wrong with some good ol’ righteous anger.

      I had the other kind of anger just the other day when this moron decided he needed to go 45 mph through the entire 30-mile construction zone that was marked 60 mph. Grrrrr.

      You are right though. There’s no escaping from the germs left by the slobs. Heck, I wouldn’t blame you for wearing surgical gloves and a gas mask.

  3. fltruckerwife Says:

    AMEN and amen! I couldn’t agree with you more on this!! While I’m not a trucker and out and about in the bathrooms, my husband is and let me tell ya… I’ve heard it all. My husband feels like the odd man out since he actually CARES about being clean and as sanitary as possible. His co-driver on the other hand couldn’t be farther from it.

    Maybe they think some woman will come in and clean up their mess like they do at home. Who knows.

    Oh and women carry on those conversations in the bathroom so no one will hear us when we pass gas. You know… cause women don’t fart. πŸ™‚

  4. Heidi Says:

    Wow, I have so many images swirling in my mind right now… not sure where to direct my comment. πŸ™‚

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