Typing Mad at the TSA


Photo by Will Imholte via Flickr

Okay. I admit it. I just lost my cool. But this time, I’m not apologizing for it. I’ve been known to snap at people now and then. If I realized that I was wrong, I’d sometimes feel guilty (not always) and apologize to the person who got snapped at… unless it’s The Evil Overlord of course. Never admit to your spouse that you were wrong about anything. So here’s how it went down.

Let me start by saying that I’m not having a good day. I woke up with The Evil Overlord ripping the covers off me and telling me that she didn’t make good time. She insisted I figure up our average. This happens on a regular basis (the insisting and the making bad time, not the cover-ripping), so I don’t blame her for my venom-spitting attitude. You might ask, “What’s an average?” What we mean is the mile per hour that we have to “average” in order to deliver on time. I divide the total miles left on the trip, by the number of hours that we have to do it. That determines whether we eat fast food or if we have time to eat healthier. Sometimes math and mornings just don’t mix. This cheery morning, the average came out to 83 mph. Uh-oh. Thus the crappy attitude ensues.

We are on yet another hot load, this time from Indianapolis, IN to Oakland, CA. Like I said, it was a hot load, but I really didn’t think we were doing that poorly on this particular trip. We weren’t. You see, there’s these things called time zones. I’ve been dealing with time zones for 13 years now, and every so often one jumps up to kick me square in the teeth. It turns out that California is on Pacific time, which is two hours behind the Central time zone that we run on. BEHIND, Todd, BEHIND!! I had figured it two hours AHEAD. So instead of 83 mph, we really only had to average 35 mph. Of course I didn’t this realize this until I sped all the way across Donner Pass and got into Sacramento. Once I realized my mistake, my mood only got worse. Sure, we’d be on time now, but what kind of an idiot makes a mistake like that? Don’t answer that.

Now I arrive at the receiver. I’ll not name names, but I’ve been here before, so I know the procedure. The last time I was here, the guard shack asked if I had a co-driver. Since I did, they wanted to see The Evil Overlord’s driver’s license. Now I’d rather punch a mafia warlord in the gonads than reach my hand into The Evil Overlord’s purse, so I had to wake her up to find her ID. I always hate waking her up, and she wasn’t overly pleased with me, but hey, a couple of black eyes is the price you have to pay sometimes. Anyway, this time I was fully prepared.

Before we even got to the receiver, I already had The Evil Overlord’s ID in hand. I was feeling pretty smug for remembering to ask her while she was still awake. I pull up and the woman at the guard shack asks for my paperwork. No problem, here you go. Then she asks me for my ID. Happy to oblige. Next she asks, “Do you have anyone in the back.” Yes, I do. I handed her The Evil Overlord’s ID before she could even ask for it. That’s when it happened. The guard shack Nazi told me she needed to see my co-driver’s face.

I admit. I snapped. “Oh, c’mon! That’s bull#*@%!!! I didn’t have to wake her up the last time I was here!” It all went downhill from there. Hitler grabbed the phone and slammed the window shut like I was holding a flamethrower to her head. I was good and pissed by then, so I hollered back and told The Evil Overlord that they needed to see her face. After some cussing, she put some clothes on and stuck her grouchy-looking face out through the curtain. I tried to get the guard’s attention to tell her that my co-driver’s face was now visible. She didn’t respond, so I honked the little horn (not the big air horn). That’s when four more guards rounded the corner in a hurry and stepped into the guard shack.

I overheard Hitler say that I was cussing and calling her names. When one of the other guards asked if that was true, I admitted what I had said, but denied calling her any names. Naturally, she said I was lying. That didn’t help my mood either. Then the other guard asked me what the problem was. And here is the crux of it… and the reason I’m not apologizing to anyone.

When your co-driver is sleeping, they shouldn’t be disturbed. One of these days, the people of this great nation are going to have to realize that they can’t have safe roads AND sleepy truck drivers. This goes for waking drivers up in the middle of their sleep, as well as the many no-idling policies that are becoming law across the nation. I said as much to the guard.

He said that it was a TSA rule that both drivers must physically present themselves. I truthfully told him, “That wasn’t the rules the last time I came here.” He doubted me as I went on to say that I had never been asked to wake my co-driver up at ANY of their other facilities throughout the country. In fact, I had never even been asked to produce a co-driver’s ID before. I had been asked for her ID at a pick up location, but never a receiver. Keep in mind that I have been truck driving for 13 years, and have delivered to this particular unnamed company on and off throughout the years. Now, why would I get so cheesed about all this if every facility asked for an ID and an Evil Overlord sighting? I wouldn’t. Actually, I wouldn’t still be trucking if that were the case.

The guard reiterated to me that it was a TSA rule that had to be followed. I pointed out that the DOT has rules that I must follow, too. A driver’s log book is a federal document that is legally binding in every way. Lawyers produce these suckers in a court of law when they want to prove what a driver was up to on any given day. So, in disrupting The Evil Overlord’s sleep, I had two choices. I could log it as such, and she would have to start her 10-hour rest period over, or I could ignore that it happened and falsify my log books. I’ll let you decide which I did. Still, the point is, I’ve got rules to follow too.

I told the guard that waking up a sleeping co-driver would be like me bringing the cops by his house at 3 a.m., knocking on his door, and telling him that he needed to get his wife out of bed so she could come to the front door. I went on to say, “What the heck do you think my wife is gonna do? Run around naked with a bomb strapped to her back?” That did get a laugh out of him and things started to calm down.

Here’s a couple more points to prove how stupid all of this is. All the loading docks were within plain sight of the guard shack. Really, what was I going to do right there in plain sight? Furthermore, all they wanted The Evil Overlord to do, was stick her head out from behind the curtain. What does that really accomplish? For all they knew, I had four psychotic terrorists wearing C-4 laden underwear back there.

Anyway, I eventually got my paperwork back and prepared to enter the gate. I turned my ignition switch and… nothing. Five minutes later and a couple of taps on the starter, the old wench finally turned over. So, it looks like this worthless pile of rhinoceros dung is going back into the shop for the sixth time. The air conditioning still isn’t fixed and our starting issues still aren’t worked out. THE SIXTH TIME!! Oh yeah. I see my mood getting better aaaaany minute now.

Well, I suppose there is one thing that I should be thankful for. I finally got a blog post out. Maybe I should get pissed more often. It seems that being all red-faced and buggy-eyed makes me type faster than a squirrel on crack.

*So what’s your experience with the TSA? Or any other strict security rules for that matter? Let us hear about it by leaving a comment. Now put on your shoes, put away your laptop, throw out that deadly paperclip, and give this post a rating and tell your friends about it right now. Don’t make me have to order a strip search.*

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14 Responses to “Typing Mad at the TSA”

  1. blczz999 Says:

    Todd: I’ve had a really crappy night, AND I live in the Pacific Time zone, to boot! I like what you had to say . . . An Dude, I was laughing so hard I was crying!! I wasn’t laughing at you, I was laughing with you!! I really did need to laugh. I enjoy reading your blog.

  2. Pam Says:

    Somebody got up on the wrong side of the crankshaft!

  3. The Evil Overlord Says:

    So…I make bad time on a regular basis do I?
    Hmmm…I think I can come up with some new and exciting ways to wake you up from now on sweatheart!!๎„šAnd I don’t mean the kind of things YOU would enjoy!!๎˜but i know I will๎„š
    MWAHHAHAHA

  4. Kevin McKague Says:

    Back when I was still in training at my first trucking job, I was sleeping in the back when I was awaken by my trainer’s sudden stop and conversation with what turned out to be a Border Protection Agency agent. The agent asked if there was anybody in the sleeper.

    When my trainer said there was, the agent then asked “What color is he? Get him up, I want to see him!”.

    Can you imagine what would happen if Homeland Security went door-to-door asking questions of people like that in the middle of the night?

    Oh, the things truck drivers must put up with. I love my job, but I often feel like we’re required to leave our Constitutional rights at the company lot.

  5. Christy Kuppler Says:

    How ’bout telling him there’s no-one but you in the truck? I absolutely hate lying, and can’t even tell a fib real good, but in this case, when you are
    dealing with overpaid idiots who take their security jobs a little TOO seriously, perhaps discretion would have been the better part of valor.

    I lol’ed with your expression, “faster than a squirrel on crack’. Great line!
    I’ll have to remember that one.

    You had a baaad day, driver. And I feel for you! Next time, look ’em in the eye, and lie like a rug!

    • Todd McCann Says:

      I’ve been known to lie about this to some customers in the past, but since I had already handed them her license, I was screwed. And I’m positive they would remember me if I ever go back there. If…

  6. blczz999 Says:

    Truckers can’t carry weapons, but crowbars & tire thumpers are okay. You know. For work purposes. This is your Daily Truckers Tid Bit for 02/18/10…I know this isn’t the post for this, BUT, Since you don’t follow me any more, I can’t EVEN send you a DM! Darn it, MAN! Get over yourself, will ya!! Or I’ll sick “The Evil Over Lord” on you! She’s got something in mind / New ways to wake you up!! Back to my reason for writing this. Ever heard this saying: “There are 47 other States, AND THEN there’s Louisiana”?! Well, I personally know a driver (who will remain nameless), who had JUST stopped at the LAST Flying J in LA (I-20 @ Ext. 3), JUST TO USE THE RESTROOM!! Remember that last part, this driver ONLY stopped there to USE THE RESTROOM!! AFter going around the fuel island an finding a parking space, the driver goes to swing into the parking space…driver hears a “Air Horn” go off, an stops IMMEDIATELY! From inside the cab, driver can’t see what’s going on, so the driver gets out of the truck. Upon exiting the cab an walking around to the passenger side of the rig, Driver see’s that the other driver has plenty of room, and motions the other driver that he can go ahead. First Driver, goes back into his truck an waits, trys to raise the other driver on the CB radio, NO response. Still sitting there, the First Driver gets out of the truck an decides to walk around an check the tires on the rig, with the tire thumper. Does this, an gets back into their rig, an waits for the other driver to go ahead an do something. First Driver, gets out of truck and AGAIN walks around to passenger side of the rig, this time “SHRUGGING” the shoulders, an saying: “Are you going to park? Or are you just going to sit there?” Other driver gets out of his Day Cab, AND HAS SOMETHING IN HIS RIGHT HAND!! ITS RATHER LONG AN IS DARK GRAY IN COLOR…THIS DON’T LOOK GOOD!! First Driver goes back into the truck an has the “Tire Thumper” in hand!! The other driver POINTS A “FULLY” LOADED AUTOMATIC TYPE HAND GUN at the First Driver!! Police are called, AND THERE IS A 3RD TRUCK DRIVER THAT SAW THE WHOLE THING, AND TELL THE POLICE WHAT HE SAW!! When Police FINALLY release the First Driver, the Police tell the First Driver, that the 3rd Truck Driver VERIFIED EVERYTHING that the First Driver had told the police. The First Driver gets DETAINED, ALONG WITH THE GUY THAT PULLED THE GUN!! AND WHEN THE POLICE SEARCHED HIS DAY CAB THEY FOUND A 2ND FULLY LOADED AUTOMATIC HAND GUN “AND” 3 MORE CLIPS OF AMMO!! The First Driver has the “TIRE THUMPER” taken away, an is GIVEN a Summons/Order to Appear an let go. The license on the Day Cab was from the State of Texas…Neither myself, or the First Driver, know if the driver of the Day Cab was arrested or charged with AT LEAST TRANSPORTING A WEAPON OVER STATE LINES…Don’t know…I do know that the First Driver was scared ‘SPITLESS’ AFTER THIS HAPPENED! AND EVEN THOUGH THE First Driver DID NOTHING WRONG, “AND” THE 3RD TRUCK DRIVER VERIFIED EVERYTHING THAT HAD BEEN TOLD TO THE POLICE…The First Driver’s company used that situation as grounds to terminate The First Driver from the truck driving position that The First Driver had at that time!! Moral of this story: “DO NOT” CARRY “ANY” KIND OF WEAPON IN YOUR HAND “IF” YOU ARE CONFRONTED BY ANOTHER PERSON WHO “DOES” HAVE A WEAPON POINTED DIRECTLY AT YOU!! The First Driver NEVER got the Tire Thumper back, either!!

  7. Cesar Reon Says:

    I like the layout of your blog and I’m going to do the same thing for mine. Do you have any tips? Please PM ME on yahoo @ AmandaLovesYou702

    • Todd McCann Says:

      My blog design is about as simple as it gets. Go to http://www.wordpress.com, pick a theme, and start typing. You can add a search bar and your Twitter stream with the provided widgets. It’s really easy.

      Good luck & shoot me your web address when you get your blog started.

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