Watch out! The Life is good.® people have got some competition. The Evil Overlord and I were in a truck stop near Missoula, Montana when we ran across an entire wall of Life Is Crap® merchandise. Yes, you heard me right. They use the stick figure design and everything. Leave it up to Americans to take something that is happy and positive and give it a high school gym class worthy wedgie. The Life Is Crap® folks are actually saying “Life is crap sometimes. May as well laugh about it.” Love the attitude!
This certainly isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Consider the “yellow smiley face” design that says, “Have a nice day.” How long did it take before the same image was seen with a bullet hole in its smiley little forehead? Not long.
Most of the time, I look on the bright side of life. Or at least I try to. But every now and then you’ve gotta let your hair down and let everyone know what you think sucks about life. So in that vain I present to you my “Life is crap” list. I think I’ll start with religion again:
- Bumper stickers that say “Jesus is a Liberal.” Show me in the Bible where Jesus promotes homosexuality or the murder of babies and then maybe we’ll talk. And before you get all bent out of shape, I don’t hate gay people. The Bible teaches to hate the sin and love the sinner.
- People who can dish out criticism, but can’t take it. See above.
- Being behind the wheel of a big rig in 60 mph winds. Worse. . . when it’s also snowing.
- Paying for movie tickets, then being forced to watch advertisements before the previews start.
- Litter bugs
- Seeing an empty golf course while I’m driving my truck. If I could just pull over. . .
- Blind-side backing
- People who choose welfare over work
- Sell-your-left-testicle-priced iPhone plans
- Bad listeners. . . and me being a bad listener
- Not being able to get a straight answer on the CB radio
- Taxes. . . No crap list would be complete without taxes.
- Cracking down on my nephews. I hate having to do it, but it’s necessary for my sanity. Why can’t they just be little angels 24/7. Oh yeah; they’re boys.
- The dinging noise in your car that won’t stop until you put your seat belt on
- Waking up The Evil Overlord. Can’t we just let her sleep? Please.
- A video game that doesn’t let you “save” after you get through a really hard section.
- Big city rush hour
- Child molesters. I say try ’em and fry ’em. The Bible does promote an eye for an eye.
- Having the heel of your stretched-out sock come up to your ankle.
- Being politically correct to the point of absurdity.
- Those immoral commercials that promote “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”
- Having to leave home after 3 days off
- Static cling
- A cell phone without a signal. How did our parents survive?
- Bikini waxing. Umm. Forget I said that.
- Long traffic lights. C’mon already! I’ve got crap to do!
- Smacking your funny bone
- Picking a booger that is waaaaay bigger than you expected. . . and not a Kleenex in sight.
Well, that’s enough for now. And what better way to leave you than with a dazzling mental image of me with my finger in my nose.
Got a “Life is good” or “Life is crap” list? I’d love to hear yours.